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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27551056">Finally Free</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHallowsEve/pseuds/AllHallowsEve'>AllHallowsEve</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Finally Free Series [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Bad Coping Skills, Coda for s15e18 Despair, Coda for s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Confusion, Drinking, Emotional Hurt, First Kiss, Guilt, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Memories of Castiel's confession, Mentions of Chuck - Freeform, Missing Scene, Misunderstandings, Survivor Guilt, Wincest - Freeform, major character death is the one in canon from ep 18, mention of unrequited Destiel, mentions of Castiel, supposed unrequited Wincest</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:20:46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,237</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27551056</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHallowsEve/pseuds/AllHallowsEve</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a Wincest fix it for episodes 18 and 19 of season 15.  It begins as a coda for episode 18 with the aftermath of Castiel's confession to Dean, and has missing scenes and follows several scenes all the way to a coda for episode 19.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Finally Free Series [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2017772</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>92</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Aftermath</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsGer/gifts">MsGer</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story is unbeta'd.  Any mistakes are mine and I appreciate you pointing them out so I can fix them to make this work better for everyone.</p>
<p>It is a gift for my friend Gerri who is having a tough time right now.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean sat alone on the cold hard floor of the dungeon, tears flowing down his cheeks.  Sobs wracked his body and he couldn’t seem to stop or pull himself together.  Sam had been calling on his phone for what seemed like an eternity. </p><p>Dean couldn’t even manage to answer his baby brother.  He knew he needed to.  He had vital information that Billie wasn’t the one disappearing all their people.  But he had no energy or control.</p><p>
  <em>“Goodbye Dean.”  </em>
</p><p>Those were Cass’s last words.  He had looked astonishingly at peace as the Empty stole his life.</p><p>Dean kept hearing parts of their final conversation over and over in his head. </p><p>Castiel, the angel that had gripped him tight and raised him from perdition, was gone.  And he had been in love with Dean.  There was no other way to interpret what Cass had said.</p><p>
  <em>“The one thing I want is something I know I can’t have.”  </em>
</p><p>That in conjunction with his confession of love could mean nothing other than Cass had been in love with him.  It was a punch to the gut.  He had no idea how to feel about this information. </p><p>He loved Cass as his best friend, he was family.  Had been for years and years.  But Dean had never dreamed the angel was in love with him.  Sure, he had said that he and Dean shared a more profound bond than Cass and Sam, but that had been years ago.  He had treated Sam and Dean as equals for a long time. </p><p>The one thing Cass wanted, was to be with Dean?  To be <em>with </em>Dean?</p><p>Dean swallowed hard.  His throat was thick from crying. </p><p>Castiel had just sacrificed himself to the Empty to save Dean.  It wasn’t unusual.  Dean had sacrificed himself numerous times for those he considered family, so had Sam, so had their dad and Jack.  But this felt wrong.  Felt like the world had tilted in a way that Dean didn’t know how to deal with.</p><p>Castiel had said <em>“Happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in just being.”</em></p><p>What did that even mean?  That just owning his love for Dean, that saying it out loud somehow made Cass happy?  It must have, if the Empty required Cass to have a perfect moment of happiness in order to be summoned to take him, which had come to pass.  It must have meant that Castiel was happy just by telling Dean the truth.</p><p>Dean chewed the inside of his cheek. The phone rang again, Sam needed him. </p><p>Dean harshly dried his eyes on his shirt sleeve and answered the phone. </p><p>He listened as Sam let out a rush of air in relief on the other end of the line.</p><p>“You’re alive?” Sam’s voice shook.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m still kickin’,” Dean swallowed hard trying for levity that fell flat to his own ears.</p><p>“I thought you were gone Dean.” Sam’s voice quavered again.</p><p>Dean felt like he hadn’t slept in a thousand hours and it came out in his voice when he answered, “I was beginning to think the same thing there for a minute.”</p><p>Dean couldn’t explain, not yet.  He stood and began making his way towards the garage.</p><p>“Listen man, I’m heading your direction.  I will see you in a bit, just hold tight.”</p><p>He hung up before Sam could say anything else.</p><p>After Dean hung up, the silence filled the bunker making his footsteps echo. It gave an eerie quality to the surroundings making them seem bigger than the space he walked through.  Cass’s words and how he looked as he was pulled into the inky Empty began the endless cycle again.</p><p>Cass had died before.  Several times.  The despair Dean had always been left with in his absence was a familiar ache in his chest, but this time the accompanying guilt felt different.  Normally the guilt was around what Dean could have done to save Cass, or he felt outright responsible for Cass’s death, but this time he felt confusion.</p><p>As he drove towards Hastings, his mind didn’t settle the way it usually did when he was in his beloved Baby.</p><p>How could his best friend have been in love with him and how hadn’t he known.  How could he deal with this?  Could he tell Sam?  Had Sam suspected?  He thought back to the case with the high school musical and what had they called the pairing between the girls playing him and Cass?  “Destiel?” </p><p>He remembered Sam making fun and asking what about a Sam and Cass pairing. “Sastiel, Samstiel,” Sam hadn’t seemed to mind the thought at all.  Sam always had seemed much less uptight about his sexuality than Dean had felt.  Sure, he didn’t sleep around the way Dean had all his life, and seemed almost like a prude about who he slept with sometimes, but he didn’t seem hung up on sexuality at all.</p><p>He wondered how Sam would feel if he knew about Dean’s feelings for Sam?  Probably not as comfortable as he had been about a pairing with the angel.</p><p>The angel, their angel, <em>his</em> angel.  Castiel was dead.  And had been in love with Dean. </p><p>His stomach dropped.  Had Cass known about his feelings for Sam?  Sometimes the angel could be clueless, but other times he seemed to almost read Dean’s mind.  There had been times during the years that Dean had wondered if Cass pushed him to distance himself from Sam.  He now had to wonder if some of Cass’s mistakes where Sam was concerned might have happened out of jealousy? </p><p>No that was ridiculous.  Cass thought of Sam as a brother.  As family.  That thought made him think of how Dean thought of Sam, as a brother, but as so much more than that.</p><p>The other asshole angels had made fun of the brothers’ connection.  Chuck’s books spawned all sorts of brother incest fanfiction online.  Hell, there had been conventions about it.  But for the feelings of incest to be real.  That was a whole different ball game that Dean was sure Sam would never be okay with. </p><p>He had always been sure Sam would be disgusted by even the thought of Dean actually being in love with him.  But Dean wasn’t disgusted by the thought of Cass being in love with Dean.  Shocked, befuddled, but not disgusted. </p><p>Sam loved him, Dean was sure of that.  But it was brotherly love.  Maybe in a codependent and unhealthy way, sure, but only brotherly. </p><p>But would it be enough for him to not abandon Dean, not be disgusted by what Dean had always thought of as disgusting within himself.  Dean had always believed he was a monster for wanting Sam the way he did.  But Castiel had said Dean did everything for love.  It’s true.  He had.  He had lived his entire life for the love of Sam.</p><p>But could that be something Sam could live with if he knew the twisted dark love that resided within Dean?</p><p>Dean shook his head.  It was a moot point.  He could never tell Sam.  He wasn’t even sure why his mind had gone in that direction.  The world was ending.  They had more important pressing things to deal with than Dean’s unhealthy love for his brother.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I am happy for all the Destiellers out there.  It is rare that any ship becomes in any way canon so congrats to everyone who ships it.  Big win for you all.</p><p>Even though I am and have always been a strong believer that Castiel has been in love with Dean for many seasons, I never got the vibe that Dean was in love with Cass.  This doesn't mean I am anti Destiel, just that I didn't see it as canon in the series as written.  </p><p>I loved Castiel in the first few seasons he was on the show.  His grand entrance was and will always be one of my favorite scenes from Supernatural ever.  That being said, his story arc over the years made me grow to hate him, for how much he always chose the wrong path, even when it was for the right reasons.  He was constantly inconsistent with his unyielding ability to screw the pooch with all his decisions.  I just couldn't stand him by the end.  However, his having the strength and courage to own his love for Dean, and his confession to Dean was truly one of the most beautiful scenes in the history of the show.  I am in awe of Misha's acting through it and it redeemed the angel completely in my eyes.  (I am really questioning some of Cass's dealings over the years with Sam though now through this new information.) </p><p>I hope you all enjoy this take on these few scenes from the two episodes.  Kudos and comments make my world go around.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Misunderstandings and Confusing Confessions</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The boys and Jack are trying to deal with Chuck's manipulation.  They cope in some usual and some not so usual ways.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is still very unbeta'd so I am sorry for any mistakes this may have.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Silence sat heavy like a passenger in the car between Sam and Dean as they drove to meet Chuck.</p>
<p>The weight of knowing what they had decided to do, to give themselves over to Chuck, to play through his Cain and Abel fantasy ending, in return for the rest of the world going back to normal, was suffocating as they drove to meet their predestined fate.  There were so many things left unsaid, so much loss and grief between them, but silence was all they shared to the destination.</p>
<p>But Chuck once again proved how big of a dick he was by denying their sacrifice.  He wanted to see them suffer.  Wanted to watch them be miserable for all eternity, knowing they were powerless against him and that what had happened was all their fault.</p>
<p>They drove back to the bunker, the silence just as heavy as it had been going towards Chuck as it was driving away from him. </p>
<p>They filled Jack in and retired to the library with tons of books stacked between them.  There was a feeling of fruitlessness to the search but Jack insisted that they couldn’t give up.</p>
<p>After a few hours, Dean couldn’t take it anymore and stood up to stretch his aching back.  He went and got a drink looking to Sam to see if he wanted one.  Sam nodded and he brought a glass to his brother. </p>
<p>Dean hadn’t gone into any details with either of them, about what Cass had said before he died.  He couldn’t stop thinking about it.  He wanted to talk to Sam and see if he had suspected the angel’s feelings, but it didn’t feel right somehow in front of Jack.</p>
<p>Jack no longer had his powers and the poor kid looked like he was about to fall over so Dean told him to go to bed.  Jack resisted, saying he had to help.  That he had to make it up to them for everything.</p>
<p>Dean walked over to the kid and put his hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>“Jack, you were willing to become a bomb.  You got blown up in the process.  Man, you’ve done enough.  This isn’t on you.”</p>
<p>Jack started to try and say something else but Dean squeezed his shoulder.</p>
<p>“I forgive you Jack.”  The words cracked and hurt as they came out.</p>
<p>Jack looked up at Dean, tears forming in his eyes. </p>
<p>“It’s all good between us okay?” Dean patted his shoulder and said, “You need your rest just like we do now.  Go on, we’ll let you know if we find anything.”</p>
<p>Sam nodded at Jack and said, “I’m beat too, I need a shower then I’m off to bed myself.”</p>
<p>Jack looked from Sam to Dean and back to Sam, the tears falling down his face now.</p>
<p>Dean pulled at his shoulder to get him to stand up and said, “Go on, try to sleep if you can.”</p>
<p>Jack fell into Dean’s arms and hugged him as he sobbed.</p>
<p>Dean returned the hug, getting choked up himself.  After a moment he pulled away and said, “That’s enough of that.”</p>
<p>But he put his hand on Jack’s face for an instant.  The kid looked so much like Castiel that he really could be his kid.  The kid that Sam treated like a son.  The kid that <em>was </em>their son.  Dean wiped away a tear that had made its way to meet his thumb.  “We’ll find a way Jack.”</p>
<p>Jack nodded silently and then turned and headed towards his room.</p>
<p>Dean sat down in the chair that Jack had vacated.  It was the one closest to Sam and he needed to be near his brother.</p>
<p>He picked the book up that Jack had abandoned and began trying to focus.  It didn’t work.  He read the same paragraph five times before getting up for another drink.</p>
<p>Sam had been unusually quiet during their hours of research.  He stood and said “I’m going for a shower.”</p>
<p>Dean had a thousand things trying to flood out of his mouth at once but all he managed was, “Okay.”</p>
<p> *********************************************************************************************************************************</p>
<p>Sam knew something was eating at Dean.  He was sure that Dean was torn up over Castiel sacrificing himself to save Dean.  He wasn’t sure what the story was there, Dean hadn’t explained it all. </p>
<p>He was worried about his brother.  Dean usually blamed himself for everything on the best of days, and this definitely wasn’t the best of days.  Dean hadn’t really been himself since he pulled the gun on Sam a few days ago. Yesterday? The day before? All the days were running together now.</p>
<p>The shower did nothing to relax him and try as he might he couldn’t seem to go to sleep.  He needed to be near Dean.  He made his way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee.  Dean’s door was open as he passed by with no Dean in sight.  So Sam headed to the library, drawn inexorably to his brother like a moth to a flame.</p>
<p>Dean was passed out on the floor surrounded by empty bottles.  “Dean?”</p>
<p>No response. Fear itched at Sam’s gut.</p>
<p>“Hey.” Sam pushed Dean with his foot.</p>
<p>Dean groaned, mumbling something incoherently, but began to stir.</p>
<p>Sam’s concern grew.  Dean was holding back, he never got laid out on the floor drunk unless he was failing to deal with deeply rooted issues and hiding things.</p>
<p>Sam knew Dean was upset about the Chuck situation, but this didn’t feel like that.  They hadn’t really had a chance to talk about Cass being gone and Cass was Dean’s best friend.  He must be feeling the loss quite profoundly to have buried himself this deeply in the bottles strewn throughout the room.</p>
<p>Dean grabbed on to the nearest table and began pulling himself upright.  He walked back to the table topped with open books from where they had been researching before. Sam couldn’t believe he planned to do more studying in his current condition. </p>
<p>Dean plopped himself down and reached for the bottle that had been left there earlier, pouring some out into the previously used glass.  Sam rolled his eyes.  He should have known.</p>
<p>He sat down across from Dean and asked, “Tell me what really happened to Cass, Dean.”  Sam’s voice was soft with sad understanding. </p>
<p>Dean sat quietly.  Reticence writ large across his entire countenance.</p>
<p>He sat that way for so long Sam was beginning to wonder if he needed to ask again, and then suddenly Dean spouted defensively, “I dunno man.”</p>
<p>Dean’s mouth snapped shut and nothing more was forthcoming.  He looked almost like a pouting child with his arms crossed and his head hung low.   </p>
<p>“Dean…”  Sam looked at him, knowing there was more to the story than Dean had let on.</p>
<p>“Fine.”  Dean allowed himself to get pissed.  He told Sam what had happened, what Castiel had said.  All of it.</p>
<p>Sam’s eyes widened in shock.</p>
<p>“He actually told you?”  Sam’s voice registered barely above a whisper.</p>
<p>Surprisingly the implication registered quickly to Dean’s fogged brain.</p>
<p>Dean’s voice came out angry.  “You knew?”</p>
<p>Sam said, “Nothing for sure man.  It isn’t like we ever talked about it.  But it was pretty obvious that he loved you.  I wasn’t sure it was exactly romantic or that he wanted more from you than what you had, but it always felt that way to me.”</p>
<p>Dean sputtered “How the hell did I not know?”</p>
<p>He sat staring at his drink.</p>
<p>“You know what the really weird part was?”</p>
<p>Sam looked at him expectantly. Dean downed the drink before speaking.</p>
<p>“He seemed genuinely happy at the end.  Completely at peace when the Empty took him.”</p>
<p>Sam watched Dean as he spoke.  Sam’s voice was full of awe and compassion as he said, “He finally got to tell you what he had been holding onto for years, Dean.”</p>
<p>Sam swallowed hard.  “To love someone and not be able to be with them romantically,” Sam had to clear his throat, “That must be unimaginably hard.”</p>
<p>Dean couldn’t meet Sam’s eyes.  He reached for the bottle to pour another shot.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” was all he could manage in response.</p>
<p>Sam wasn’t sure how to ask the next part. “Did you, I mean, do you, um…”</p>
<p>Dean looked over at his brother, his brows furrowed and he moved in his seat uncomfortably, initially wondering if Sam could somehow tell Dean wanted Sam the way Cass wanted Dean.  But then when he read Sam’s face, he realized his mistake.</p>
<p>“No dude. I didn’t want to bang my best friend.” Anger that was mostly bluster from sadness came out in a huff.</p>
<p>Sam raised his hands palms out in a sign of peace, “Hey I wasn’t trying to pick a fight.  I just wanted to know if you were okay.”</p>
<p>Dean shook his head.  “I’m not okay.  My best friend was in love with me and I didn’t know it.  Now he’s dead.  No, I’m not okay.”</p>
<p>Sam just watched as Dean drained his glass once again.</p>
<p>“How could he have been so happy just telling me? I don’t understand how that could make him so happy.  I mean, I had never seen him look so at peace as when the Empty took him.”</p>
<p>Sam wasn’t sure how to answer without getting barked at again.</p>
<p>“It’s my understanding that when LGBTQIA people come out, it’s a huge relief.  Even if the people around them don’t accept it, or outwardly reject them, at least they are living their truth.  Supposedly it really helps to be honest about who you are and who you love.”</p>
<p>Sam tried to keep his voice neutral.  He waited to see how Dean would react.</p>
<p>Dean sat in silence for several minutes, turning his glass back and forth between his hands.</p>
<p>“You really think it makes people happy, even when they are rejected?  What about the people whose families throw them out?”  Dean couldn’t look at his brother when he asked.</p>
<p>Sam was taken aback by the question, but moreso by the soft hurt quality in Dean’s voice.</p>
<p>Sam was suddenly nervous.  Had Dean lied about not wanting Castiel?  Sam had suspected for years that the angel was in love with his brother.  But Dean was irrevocably straight, always had been, always would be.  Right?  The thought of Dean being in love with Cass turned Sam’s stomach.  He hated how selfish he felt in this moment but couldn’t stop the jealousy from rising like bile in his throat.</p>
<p>Sam scrutinized his brother.  His shoulders were hunched.  He was in obvious discomfort.  Sam swallowed hard around the sudden resentment of the angel they had just lost.</p>
<p>“Yeah Dean, there are millions of stories online about how when someone speaks their truth, owns who they are or who they love, it’s a life changing experience.  Most of the things I have read from people seem to suggest that even when they get rejected, they are relieved that they were honest.  And it seems to make them truly happy to claim ownership of themselves in that way.”</p>
<p>Dean sat up straighter in his seat.  “But what about their friends and families who do the rejecting?  It doesn’t make them happy.  It makes them miserable, right, even makes them hate the person who told the truth sometimes?”</p>
<p>Sam was confused.  Even though it would kill a part of Sam’s spirit for Dean to be in love with Castiel, he would never hate Dean over who he loved or who Dean was.  It wasn’t disgust that made him hate Cass at that moment, it was pure envy.  To be wanted that way by Dean, it would mean everything.  He couldn’t believe that Dean actually thought Sam would reject him for who he loved.  Especially not his best friend. </p>
<p>“Dean, if someone hates a person for who they are or who they love, or for embracing their truth, that is a loss for the person doing the rejecting, not for the person living as their true self.”</p>
<p>It was Sam’s sincere voice.  Dean knew Sam was being honest.   There was so much compassion in his eyes as they met Dean’s.  Dean felt sick to his stomach.</p>
<p>Was he really contemplating telling Sam the truth?  He reached for the bottle but it was empty.  He drew his hand back. Running his fingers across the S.W. cut into the wood.</p>
<p>What if Sam’s oh so tolerant beliefs didn’t cover incest?  They couldn’t right?  That was beyond anything that was acceptable to society.  A small voice in his head butted in and asked when had they ever lived within societies norms, plus, Chuck had seen to it that there was no longer a society to decide what the norms were.  It was him and Sam.  They were the only ones that mattered about this decision.  Could Sam love him in spite of Dean’s disgusting desire for him?</p>
<p>Would it keep him from being able to fight side by side with Dean against Chuck?</p>
<p>Dean thought about the peace that shone on Castiel’s face.  The tears of joy that had streaked down his cheeks as he had said, “I love you.”</p>
<p>Dean was going to throw up.  His body had begun to shake from his feet all the way up through where his hands were attempting to hold the glass steady.</p>
<p>He suddenly stood up and began to pace.  “I’m goin’ to bed, Sam.”  He turned away from the table, nausea roiling through him.</p>
<p>A strong hand gripped his arm as he began to walk off.  He had been so focused on how bad he felt that he hadn’t heard Sam’s chair scrape against the floor or his brother come over to loom behind him.</p>
<p>Sam pulled at his arm until Dean turned around.  Dean couldn’t meet Sam’s gaze.</p>
<p>“Dean.”  Sam’s voice was soft but stern.  “Talk to me.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know what you mean, Sam.” Dean jerked his arm away in fear.</p>
<p>“Stop it.”  Sam grabbed him again, holding him by both arms now.</p>
<p>“We’re going up against Chuck, Dean.  We need to be on the same page.  Please, tell me what’s eating at you.”  Sam’s voice was stern but held a begging quality.</p>
<p>Dean met Sam’s eyes.  They were soft and beautiful.  He could tell Sam was worried.  The liquor burned Dean’s stomach.  He wasn’t sure he would have been standing if Sam’s hands didn’t have a vice grip on his arms.</p>
<p>Before he could think about it, words bubbled out of his mouth uncontrolled.</p>
<p>“I’m in love with ya Sam.”  He flinched as the last syllable landed in the quiet room.</p>
<p>“I’m glad you told me, Dean, I know how much Cass meant to you.” Sam’s voice sounded numb and hollow.</p>
<p>Dean blinked up at Sam in confusion.</p>
<p>Sam blinked back at him.  “Wait, what?” Sam’s voice was incredulous.</p>
<p>Dean’s shoulder’s fell.  “I’m in love with ya, Sam. Have been since I first knew what love was.  I would have run away to protect you from my want if I had been stronger, but I couldn’t stay away.”</p>
<p>Sam blinked at him in disbelief. His hands fell away but neither brother noticed. </p>
<p>Now that it was out there, it was like Dean couldn’t stop talking.   Sam hadn’t decked him or looked at him in disgust.</p>
<p>It had to be a good sign right.</p>
<p>Dean began pacing around the table.  He babbled about how hard it had been growing up trying to hide and not let Sam know, had been petrified somehow their Dad would have figured it out.  How ashamed he had been for all these years.  How disgusted by himself he was.  He was on a roll and the words washed over Sam like a tsunami. </p>
<p>Sam’s entire being felt like it had been lit on fire. </p>
<p>He took a step towards Dean.  Dean was so lost in his own confession that he didn’t notice.</p>
<p>Sam took another step and then yet another. </p>
<p>Dean wasn’t looking at Sam, he was recounting a time when they had gone swimming right before Sam had left for California.  How he had gotten so hard he didn’t think he could manage to walk back to the house without Sam seeing.  Dean even chuckled with his incredulity that Sam hadn’t notice how Dean had a constant boner for him that entire summer.</p>
<p>Dean was startled from his revelry by Sam suddenly being in front of him.  Sam’s eyes held an intensity that Dean didn’t understand.  He realized Sam hadn’t said anything for the last few minutes and suddenly the fear came swooping back.  Dean had to fight to not shrink in on himself.</p>
<p>Dean’s voice came out small as he asked, “Sam…?”</p>
<p>It was all he managed before Sam’s mouth was on him.  Sam’s hands were everywhere all at once.  Dean made a startled sound and began to pull away in confusion but Sam pulled him back against his body hard.  Sam’s mouth was insistent and compelling and Dean quickly lost all thought as Sam’s tongue found its way into his brother’s mouth.</p>
<p>There was a combined groan and they fell against each other.  Losing themselves to a desire neither had remotely dreamed possible.</p>
<p>The sound of the door opening and Jack walking in didn’t register with either brother. </p>
<p>“Guys, I’m…” Jack’s voice was timid.</p>
<p>The knowledge that they were no longer alone slowly seeped into their passion ravaged brains and they pulled apart to turn in tandem to look at Jack.</p>
<p>“feeling something weird.”  Jack continued without skipping a beat.  His voice held concern and his forehead was frowning, but not in a judgmental way.  Just in Jack’s innocent way he always looked when coming to them with a problem.</p>
<p>Dean barked out a laugh and said “Yeah, me too pal.” As he looked up into Sam’s shocked eyes nervously.</p>
<p>Sam’s eyes were wide but held no hint of upset as Jack continued unphased by neither what Dean had said nor what he had walked in on between the brothers.</p>
<p>“I’m sensing a presence.  There’s something out there besides us.”</p>
<p>They discussed what Jack was sensing and went into ‘let’s solve this new problem’ mode.  In the consistent Winchester way as has happened over and over through the years, they ignored the elephant, pushing it to the back burner until such time as whatever this new imminent threat might be was dealt with. </p>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This season has been incredibly hard for me and I feel the writing has been inconsistent to downright awful in some of the episodes.  But these two episodes were some of my favorites of the entire season.  I hope this story does the emotions involved justice.</p>
<p>I hope the movement between codas and missing scenes aren't too confusing.  I did my best to make what I wanted to create fit into as much of the canon of the show as possible.</p>
<p>Kudos and comments are always welcome.  They help me to keep my chin up through all the craziness of the world.</p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Just Us</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This is a missing scene/coda combination for episode 19.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This is unbeta'd.  All mistakes are mine.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chuck was now handled, all the people were back on Earth as if nothing had happened and Jack was gone.  It had been a perfect plan and for once it played out exactly as they had intended.  But everything was different now.</p><p>The brothers had made their way back to the bunker.  Neither addressing feelings or the tension that hung giant between them the entire drive home, until it was just Dean and Sam alone once more in the bunker. </p><p>Dean went to the kitchen and grabbed two beers.  Sam was in the library when he returned.  Just standing there, as if he didn’t really know what to do with himself now that he had no world ending problem to solve.</p><p>Dean handed him the beer and his pinky brushed against Sam’s finger during the exchange, Sam’s breath caught in his throat.  They both sat back on the end of the table, neither looking at each other.</p><p>Sam cleared his throat.  He let out a breath.  “It’s pretty quiet.”</p><p>Dean murmured “Mm-hmm” in acknowledgment.</p><p>Sam turned slightly to steal a glance at him but Dean kept facing forward.</p><p>Sam looked down at his beer as Dean proposed a solemn toast, “To everyone that we lost along the way.”</p><p>They both took a drink quietly.</p><p>Sam’s breath hitched before he said low, like he was sharing a secret, “You know, with Chuck not writing our story anymore, we get to write our own.”</p><p>He tried to look over at Dean but his nerves got the better of him and he couldn’t quite do it. </p><p>His voice was breathy, “You know, just you and me going wherever the story takes us.” </p><p>There was a sadness weighing heavy on him, wondering if he had somehow misunderstood, if Dean saw their kissing as a mistake, or was having major regrets.  Sam had been having a hard time reading Dean.  But he recognized that Dean wasn’t meeting his eyes at all which was usually a troubling sign.  With everything they had gone through, they should be celebrating, but this felt so hard. </p><p>It made his next words feel even more significant as tears threatened to form in Sam’s eyes.  “Just us.”</p><p>Dean’s tone gave nothing away as he said words that should have been jubilant, “Finally free.”</p><p>Dean put his hand around Sam’s neck and squeezed.  “You think Jack brought Eileen back?  You call to check on her yet?”</p><p>Sam’s brow furrowed.  Since the moment Dean had said he was in love with Sam, thoughts of Eileen had been the furthest thing from his mind.  He felt only slightly guilty about it but very confused by Dean’s question.</p><p>“I haven’t even thought about her Dean.” Sam said in a huff.</p><p>“Oh come on now Sammy, I know how much you love her and were so broken up about her disappearing.  With Chuck gone, you don’t have to be a hunter anymore.  Like you said, we make our own decisions from here on out. You aren’t stuck in this life that you always wanted out of.  You could be with her, get married, have kids and settle down.”</p><p>Sam stood up and pulled away, anger shot down his spine.</p><p>“What the fuck Dean?”</p><p>Dean looked up at him, his expression blank of all emotions.</p><p>Sam straightened his back.  “How about you Dean?  You gonna try to find a way to bring Cass back from the Empty now so that the two of you can be together?”</p><p>Dean stood up mirroring Sam’s aggressive stance.</p><p>“Bitch, I told you, I never wanted Cass that way.” Dean’s voice growled.</p><p>“The only reason I was ever with Eileen was to try to get over how I felt about you, you stupid jerk.” </p><p>Dean rocked back on his heels. </p><p>Sam didn’t even pause.  “The only reason I was ever with Jess, or Amelia or any of the various women I slept with over the years was because I couldn’t have you and it ate at me.  It tore me up.  Being around you day and night without getting to be with you, truly with you, the way I wanted, man I had to do something to keep from going crazy.”</p><p>Dean rubbed his hand through his hair and took a step back away from Sam.  He stubbornly said, “You always wanted normal and Eileen is your chance at normal.”</p><p>Sam shook his head, allowing the anger and frustration to come out in his voice. “I didn’t want to be in love with my brother.  Yes, I wanted to be more normal than that.  It never occurred to me that you wanted me in return.  If it had, I would never have been with any of them. I wouldn’t have given a shit about normal if I had known I could have a chance with you.   I’ve only ever wanted you, Dean.”</p><p>Sam reached out slowly towards Dean.  Taking a step closer to him but Dean backed up a step.  Sam took another step towards him, with Dean mimicking the action in reverse.</p><p>They kept at it until Dean backed into a book shelf and could retreat no further.</p><p>“Dean…” Sam closed the distance.</p><p>“Sammy… I don’t know how to deal with this, it’s so big.  I never thought it could be real.”  Pain and fear seeped out, making Dean’s voice sound desperate and needy.</p><p>Sam closed the final distance rubbing his left hand slowly across Dean’s jaw, thumbing across his cheek. “We have all the time in the world now to figure it out Dean.”</p><p>Dean swallowed hard as Sam’s right hand settled into the small of his back and pulled him closer.  Sam bent down and right before he pressed his lips to his brother’s he whispered, “It’s just us, we’re finally free.”</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel that in spite of my need for a fix it to these two episodes, Episode 19 was one of the most perfect from the entire series in my opinion.  The way they ended it would have been a perfect ending for the entire series if I had my choice.  Especially if they had put Carry On Wayward Son as the music over the montage instead of Running on Empty.  But still amazing exactly as it is.</p><p>Honestly I am petrified for what comes in episode 20.  I am so scared that they are going to have Sam leaving to go be with Eileen.  Dean's fears in this chapter are entirely mine.  I don't want Sam to go off to be happy without Dean.  I hope my fears are unfounded and they will do no such thing, but the writers have just pushed the Sam/Eileen relationship sooooo hard, when I truly feel like they don't have chemistry at all between the two actors.  Nothing against Jared or Shoshannah at all, I just don't think they have any heat.  It just makes the pushing of this arc unbelievable and uncomfortable to watch in my opinion.</p><p>I have been so unhappy since the announcement of the series ending and have dreaded the end so much that it has given me writers block for basically two + years.  I am hoping that since I have been so inspired by these last few episodes that it is a sign the block is fading.  But a lot will depends on what happens with episode 20.  </p><p>I wait with bated breath just as I am sure all of the SPN fandom does for what is to come in the final episode. </p><p>My love to you all.  Thank you for coming with me on this journey.  Your support and kudos and comments over the years to my writing have really kept me going so often you have no idea.</p>
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